The Process of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is one of the greatest tools we have as humans. It allows us to fully let go, move forward, and release the emotional, mental, and spiritual burden of holding onto unforgiveness. Unforgiveness, on the other hand, can lead to resentment, sadness, physical dis-ease, and the literal weight of what is asking to be forgiven.

Unforgiveness is like carrying a bucket of rocks. Each rock represents a specific instance that needs forgiveness, each with its own weight, energetically tied to what is requesting to be released. When we forgive, we set the rocks down—one by one.

How we approach forgiveness is just as important as the act itself. The first step is willingness. Not a superficial “sure,” but a genuine readiness to forgive. If you notice you are not ready, allow that information to inform you. Continue to gently try, and when readiness arises, move into a deeper forgiveness process.

When we are truly ready and willing to forgive, we are also invited to look at our role in the dynamic. This is known as radical responsibility.

For example, when I was 22, I began dating a man ten years older than me who was quite out of alignment, to put it lightly. That relationship required - and continues to require - forgiveness. Before I could truly begin that process, I had to recognize my role in allowing the dynamic to unfold. I said yes, or perhaps more accurately, I didn’t say no. Acknowledging my own pride, vanity, and lack of self-respect opened the door for genuine forgiveness to begin. This level of honesty is often required for forgiveness to fully take root.

Forgiveness is a journey. You may feel as though you have forgiven, only to find yourself triggered again later. This is normal. The more you allow these moments to inform you rather than frustrate you, the more capacity you will have to forgive. Forgive what you are able to see and release now, and as more is revealed, forgive that too.

One technique I use with my clients to support forgiveness involves prayer and visualization. I often recommend the Hawaiian prayer Ho’oponopono.

Ho’oponopono

I’m sorry

Please forgive me

Thank you

I love you

The first two - I’m sorry and please forgive me - are where radical responsibility comes in. They invite you to acknowledge your part and ask for forgiveness. The final two - thank you and I love you - open the heart into divine gratitude and compassion, allowing you to see the other as a human rather than only through the lens of harm.

Bring the person to mind and speak each phrase slowly and with specificity. For example: I’m sorry I crossed your boundary when you told me no. I’m sorry I was unkind when I called you a name. Continue until you feel complete. Then move through the remaining three phrases in the same way.

When this feels finished, take yourself on a visual journey.

Imagine before you a small mountain - one that may be familiar or entirely new. Lace up your hiking shoes and notice the path unfolding as you make your way upward. Take in the scenery as you go. When you reach the top, you arrive exactly on time. There is no rush. No hurry.

A beautiful sunset stretches across the horizon, the sky filled with rich, vibrant colors. You can see the peaks of other mountains in the distance and feel a warm breeze against your face. Take a deep breath and fully receive this moment.

As you stand there, you notice a heavy backpack on your shoulders - one you carried all the way to the top. Inside it is all the unforgiveness you are ready to release.

You pause and ask yourself: Am I willing to let this go?

…You make your decision.

You remove the backpack, hold it over the edge of the mountain, and let it go.

You watch as it tumbles down the mountainside until it disappears from sight.

Take another deep breath of the mountain air, now with a newfound sense of freedom.

Rest in the peace of this moment.

When you are ready to descend, a slide appears - safe, joyful, and effortless. When it feels right, step onto it, allow yourself to enjoy the ride, and return to where you physically are… lighter than before.

Warmly,

Kassidy